Everybody Loves Stewie Ep 3
by Jedi Alex Colbent
Summary: Stewie pays his old friend Xemnas a visit


**This is a story that I wanted to post for a long time now. It's # 3 in the Everyone Loves Stewie series. In today's episode, he goes to the World that Never Was to pay his old friend Xemnas a visit. Please note that this is one of my more adult orientated stories, so Reader discretion is advised. Enjoy!**

Everybody Loves Stewie

Ep 3: Organization 69

Sora, Kairi, Riku, Mickey, Donald and Goofy walk through the door to Kingdom Hearts in pursuit of Xemnas, the sole surviving member of Organization XIII.

They enter to see a world crafted in the image of The World That Never Was with a large fortress residing in the middle.

Sora then gasps to see non other then Xemnas himself standing atop the up most tower looking down on them without a hint of emotion.

"So, it seems your hearts have lead you to obliteration. Perhaps it doesn't pay to be too loyal to one's heart. I will have to be sure and remember that." He then raise his hand to prepare to strike.

"Seems all you have now a days is memories, huh Xemnas?" A familiar voice calls out to him.

He turns to his right to see a 1 year old with red overalls and a yellow shirt with an unfazed look on his face.

"Stewie," Xemnas says calling his name. "Come to see the main event unfold, have you?"

"Yes and No to that Xem. I'm here to put a stop to this once and for all. You can either do the smart thing and surrender right now, or else things are not gonna end too nice for you, Capiche?"

Xemnas then laughs toward this threat he just received.

"Are you not aware of where we are? Of what I can do to you with a snap of my fingers? If anything, it's you who should surrender now, my old friend. Not me."

"You make me sick. Look at all the damage you've done to all the worlds you and your idiot followers visited, all the people you've stepped on and hurt. Do you even feel the slightest amount of grief or regret towards what you've done!"

"Of course I don't! I don't feel grief or regret. I don't feel **ANYTHING!**. Why the hell do you think I'm doing all of this, because there was nothing good on TV?"

"Oh yeah... kinda forgot."

"Ya know, that last line is kinda true, now that you think about. American Idol's gone down the tubes, Ghost Whisperer's canceled, and don't even get me started about King of the Hill."

"I know! How could they cancel such a top quality show like that? And are they ever going to have Dale learn the truth about Joseph and John Redcorn?"

"Nah, I doubt it. Dale's too big of an idiot to believe it even if he heard it." Xemnas says insultingly.

"Hey, I resent that!" Dale Gribble says appearing from out of nowhere.

"Shut up, Dale." Xemnas says as he fires a beam of darkness at him sending him screaming in agony off the tower and into the abyss below.

"How the hell did he get here, anyways?" Stewie asks a little confused.

"Well it is Kingdom Hearts, where our thoughts become reality." Xemnas answers.

"Oh... probably brought him here thinkin about him, my bad." Stewie says.

"Bottom line: Besides the hit shows they have on Cartoon Network right now, (Wink Wink!) there's pretty much not a lot to watch these days." Xemnas concludes.

"What about Family Guy?"

"Eh"

"Eh? EH! It's the highest rated show on the network for Christ's sake, right behind Robot Chicken! And all that is is just 15 minutes of guys messing around with dolls. (Just joking around. I really love Robot Chicken. Season 5 this January.) Not to mention, they have Seth Macfarlene voice a bunch of characters on the show so many times, they might as well just hand all the profits straight to hi... ya know what, I'm not going get into this. I just don't want to. So.. I'm just gonna go ahead.. and um.. I'm gonna kill ya."

"Yeah, you just go ahead and do tha... wait what?"

Stewie then summons a Keyblade with a golden blade and a red handle (idea by Roxas 2134) and beats Xemnas across the head several times causing him to howl in pain.

"Ya like that? Huh? Can you **feel** that? Huh? Hurts, doesn't it, ya heartless bastard!"

"You son of a bitch!"

"Yes, yes I am."

Down below, Sora, Kairi, Riku and the others watch in shock and surprise as Xemnas gets beaten to a pulp by a 1 year old.

"Does anybody else see what I see?" Sora asks his friends.

"A psychotic 1 year old with a Keyblade beating the crap out of Xemnas? Yeah." Riku answers.

"Good. I thought it was just me."

"He's got a pretty big head." Kairi says out loud.

Meanwhile, Xemnas appears exhausted and beaten after the bludgeoning he took from Stewie.

"This isn't over yet, you insane freak of nature!" Xemnas shouts toward him in anger.

"Said the being formed from another persons body and soul who's also completely devoid of emotion." Stewie taunts back.

"Ya know what? F**k it. I don't care anymore."

And with a snap of his fingers, 2 dozen Dusks form around Stewie along with 4 or 5 Dancers, 2 Beserkers and a Sorcerer floating above his head.

"Please." Stewie simply responds with am unfazed look.

And then with one swipe of his blade, he destroys about half of the Dusks, goes over and bashes a Dancer repetitively, sends it colliding with the remaining Dusks, then grabs a claymore right out of a Beserker's hand and starts beating it over the head with it at least 6 times.

He then takes the claymore and expertly tosses it right at the remaining Dancers and the other Beserker destroying them all.

And as for the Sorcerer, he simply just takes a handgun out is pocket and shoots it once sending it falling to the ground.

With all of his minions defeated, Xemnas attempts to weakly get up and make a run for it.

Stewie then charges his Keyblade with every amount of strength and magic left and fires a single yet powerful beam of Light toward Xemnas impaling him on contact and sending back to the floor.

Beaten and beginning to fade into darkness, Xemnas helplessly looks up at Stewie who looks down at his fallen foe.

"It's over. Have a nice whatever the heck existance you'll have after fading, and say hi to Terra for me."

"Who?"

"Exactly."

Stewie then spits in his face as he finally begins to fully fade away into the shadows.

After Xemnas's destruction, Stewie looks downward toward the Keyblade masters, King and his friends who had witnessed the entire thing.

He then impressively leaps off the top of the tower and lands gracefully in front of them.

"Hey guys. Just wanted to give you guys a hand with Xemnas so you wouldn't have a hard time kicking his ass."

"Uh.. okay. Thanks." Sora says to him.

"Another Keyblader." Riku says looking at Stewie's Keyblade. "How'd you get yours?"

"Ya know, I'd rather not talk about it at moment. Right now, we need to find a way out of here quick, because with Xemnas gone... yeah this entire place is going fade into darkness and us along with it."

"And how long would you say we have?" Sora asks Stewie.

"Um.. a little over 3 minutes. By the way Sora, I think when you guys **do** get home, I think it's about time Kairi and you... ya know." He says slyly winking to both of them.

"No we don't know." Sora answers a little confused.

"Ya know, time for you to.. put ya "Keyblade" into her "Keyhole".

"What?" Kairi asks equally confused while Riku shows a look of shock and understanding of what he's saying.

"Ya know, lock the door to the heart of Kairi's world."

"Stewie, we honestly have no idea what you're trying to say to us." Sora says.

"Oh God, I don't know how much simpler I need to put this."

He then whispers into Sora and Kairi's hears giving them looks of horror and disgust.

**At the same time**

Sora: Oh my God! Oh god! What the hell is wrong with you!"

Kairi: Oh.. my god! Oh! Gross! Uck!"

"Oh c'mon! It's not like you two aren't thinking it! It's like they always say: Feel, don't think. Use your instincts."

"Uh Stewie, that's just from a Star Wa.." Sora begins.

"Yes, I know it's from a Star Wars movie. I'm just trying to make a pun for God's sake. But if we don't get out of here soon, it's not gonna matter either way."

Riku then gets an idea.

"Hang on. I'll just make a portal out of here."

"Ah! You don't belong to the Dark Realm anymore, remember Ryu?"

"It's Riku."

"**NOBODY CARES!**"

Suddenly, a dark portal appears out from their left.

"Right on cue." Stewie says walking towards it as Naminé appears before it.

"Great timing, Naminé. Thanks for opening that up."

"No problem Stewie. Now remember our deal..."

"Right, I convince Tetsuya Nomura to allow a license for a Kingdom Hearts movie trilogy. Easier said then done, but I give it a shot."

Naminé then steps closer and meets with Sora face to face.

"See? We meet again, like we promised."

"Huh?"

"She's not takin to you, spikey. Though technically, she **did** promise you the same thing."

"Then who **is** she talking to?"

"Um.. that would be me."

Roxas then transparently projects himself from Sora leaving him a little freaked out.

"Okay, can someone please tell me what the f**k is going on?" Sora says a little irritated.

"Oh god." Stewie says with his hand in his face. "That's your Nobody, Roxas!"

"R.. Roxas?"

He then turns to face the spikey blonde haired boy who looks very similar to himself.

"Nice to meet you, Other."

"You too. Hey, I'm sorry about Axel. He said he was trying to turn me into a Heartless.. to see you again."

"Well, we are best friends. It's funny though. Just being with him.. was enough to make him feel whole. But I guess that's just how it always is when you've got true friends by your side."

"Yeah, it is."

"Ugh. This is all happy and totally "not gay" and all, but we're kind of on a time limit here, so Roxas, if you could just say your crap to Naminé already, we can go." Stewie says. "I don't know about you guys, but I **do not** want to spend the rest of my life floating in a sea of perpetual darkness. It's like watching any Tim Burton movie with the lights off."

Roxas then turns to meet with Naminé.

"You said we'd meet again, but when we did, we might not recognize each other."

"I did, didn't I?"

"But I knew you."

"Mmm... it's strange."

"I think I understand. I see myself the way you remember me, and you see yourself the way I remember you."

"Um... I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but keep going anyway." Stewie says out loud.

"I always thought Nobodies were doomed to fade back into darkness..."

"Yeah, but You and I **didn't**. We got to meet our original selves."

"So, we can be together again!"

"Right, anytime Sora and Kairi are together."

"We'll be together every day, right Sora?" Kairi says to him.

"Uhh.. yeah!" Sora says nervously.

He then looks over to Stewie who's raising his eyebrows up and down in a jokingly (or whatever) way, to which Sora shoots him an irritated look.

"Ok, man. Ok!" Stewie says raising his hands up in defense. "I mean, if you **don't** wanna be with a hot girl with the voice of Hayden Pannettiere, fine. I mean she can also go back to Rik... ya know, I'm just gonna shut up."

He then walks up to Naminé for a moment.

"By the way Naminé, just wanted to get this off my chest, but I've always had a kind a bit of a crush on you."

"Oh, okay."

"Yeah, and before you and Kairi do your whole "phasey-together", becoming whole thing, just wanted to give you this."

He then writes something on a strip of paper with a pen and hands it to her.

"Um... this is a phone number." She says confused.

"Yeah, **my** phone number."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Whada ya think?"

"I'm.. not sure."

"Well, I'm sure **for** you."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Everyone's silent for a few seconds after this.

"I find you creepy and perverted." Naminé says to Stewie breaking the silence.

"Well, so's Hugh Hefner, so take a hike, bitch."

"Oh boy, here come the letters." Naminé says.

* * *

Meanwhile at the Playboy Mansion, Hugh Hefner sits at his desk writing a letter.

"Dear Jedi Alex Colbent," He begins. "F**k you, and your opinionated views of me and my company. The work I do is solely for the purposes of art and tasteful photography for all to view across the world. And also, I'll have you know that of all the young hot girls who have stayed with me at the mansion, not **once** have I ever slept with one. In fact, I don't even think there's anything left down there **to do it** with to begin with. Sometimes, I think my body just conducts photosynthesis and releases all the liquids in my body out my feet. Maybe that's why my feet always feel sweaty. But anyways, unless you know Seth Macfarlene or have enough money like me to get away with whatever the hell you want, I demand that you re post your story **without** my name included. Just do Tim Burton. **He's **creepy and weird. Go to hell and f**k jew writter."

* * *

The scene then changes back to Stewie and the others.

"Wait," Naminé says. "You said we had 3 minutes until this world begins to fade into darkness. How long has it been now?"

Stewie then takes a look at his watch.

"Oh! My mistake. We had 3 more minutes then I estimated. Wait.. shouldn't that mean.."

The whole tower then begins to shake like an earthquake leaving everyone scared and shocked.

"Oh! We should go. We should go!"

Everyone then runs in single file through the portal just in time before it closes as the entire fortress topples over into the sea of darkness.

* * *

A dark portal opens up on the peaceful Destiny Islands with everyone scrambling to get through.

"We're.. home." Sora says thinking it almost too good to be true. "WE'RE HOME!"

"For now at least!" Stewie says making fun of how... well you guys know.

"Oh yeah Naminé, question I wanted to ask you. For purely scientific purposes, If you and Kairi fuse together, and she and Sora... ya know... will that technically mean.. you and Roxas... will.. too?"

"I... don't know?"

"And.. then what does that make their kids?"

"Ya know, I'm just gonna fuse with her already."

"Oh, okay. Okay. G.. go ahead and do that."

Naminé then walks up in front of Kairi.

The two touch each others hands, and Naminé disappears in a flash of light.

"Uh... look sharp?" Roxas says to Sora.

"Yeah, whatever."

Roxas then disappears into Sora with the same flash of light.

"Ya know something Stewie," Riku begins "Xemnas must have had a really crappy day from what happened today. All his top followers were destroyed along with his Kingdom Hearts, he gets beaten up by... well, you, and to top it off, he fades back into darkness. I can't think of a more terrible day then that."

"Eh. I can think of **one** other day he described to me that sounds just as bad."

* * *

5 days earlier...

* * *

Inside Castle Oblivion, a Dusk presses the button to an elevator as Xemnas makes his way over there.

"Uh, hold the elevator!" He calls out to it.

It responds by continuously pressing the button trying to leave without him.

"I'll remember this! What's your ID number?"

"It's 1142- **Eat my ass!**"

The door closes on Xemnas.

He then sighs as he frustratingly presses the button to call up the next elevator.

"Oh, c'mon. **C'mon**."

He then gets pushed to the point where he slams the machine with his fist to get it to start.

The door on his left opens as he turns around, but see's that it's filled with a dozen of the Fish Heartless from the Land of the Dragons.

"Oh, I.. I'll get the next one."

"Plenty of room." The one in the middle says.

"Uh, no, no. I'll.. I'll just take the escalator."

"Squeeze on in."

"I'd.. I'd rather my robe didn't smell like a f**ken fillet of fish all day, thanks."

A silence falls upon everyone for at least 6 seconds.

"That's hurtful, man!"

"Well, next time just let it go. Let it go."

The door shuts and Xemnas goes off to take the escalator.

* * *

On the escalator, Xemnas sighs at how long it's taking him to reach the end.

"Been here for 5 freakin minutes already, can't this piece of junk go faster?"

On the other side, a Dusk takes the escalator down.

"My lord." He says with a salute.

"Nobody" he says back.

Another one comes followed b... ya know, just read.

"My Lord."

"Nobody."

"My Lord."

"Nobody."

"My Lord."

"Yup."

"My Lord"

"Uh huh."

"My Lord"

"Yo"

"My Lord."

"Hmm"

It seems to stop for a moment, but then picks right back up.

"My Lord."

" Ugh.. Nobody."

"My Lord"

"Nobody."

"My Lord"

"Nobody."

"My Lord"

"Nobody!"

"My Lord."

"Nobod.."

"My Lord."

"Nobody!"

"My Lord."

"Nobody! Nobody! Nah, blah blah blah **BLEH!**"

"My Lord."

"Ugh."

"My Lord."

"F**k yourself."

"My Lord."

"Go f**k yourself."

"My Lord."

"Go f**k yourself!"

"My Lord."

"**GO F**K YOURSELF!**"

"Aww!"

When all seems quiet, Xigbar is seen going down.

"**WHAZZZAAAAAAP!**"

**End of Story. Hope you didn't find this story too adult like. And yes, If you haven't noticed, the last scene was a parody of Robot Chicken Star Wars Episode 3. Like I said, love that show and can't wait for the next new episode. More stuff later. I'm out!**


End file.
